Apr 132020
 

Pervasive grief is one of the side effects of the uncontrolled pandemic we currently face. People are trying to stay safe and to make sense of what is going on around them. The sheer numbers are beyond comprehension. So, like many others much of my recent reading and writing has circled back to the process of grieving. Perhaps it is the change of seasons, leading me to focus on the seasons that humans pass through. Or, perhaps, it is that my friends who are steeped in organized religion have been talking and writing about Holy Week. Most likely, though, it’s because a dear friend of mine recently lost a long battle with a non-Covid illness.

She died as she lived —  with grace and good humor. And this wretched disease kept many of us from being able to support her or her family for fear of incapacitating them.

I am starting to understand the importance of ritual and gathering as a step in the grieving process. And, as I start to try to generalize my experience to that of thousands of others around the world, my heart breaks for them.

But it’s not just funerals. Passover seders and Easter egg hunts. St Patrick’s day parades. Shrimp festival. Birthday parties. Going out for coffee. Volunteer gigs. Baseball.Rituals are designed to ground and connect us. To give us hope. The absence of ritual contributes to the chaos.

I have only questions at this point— the best I can do is open the conversation. (Please add your observations in the comment section below.)

Here is what some others have to offer on the grieving process.

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. ~ Robert Fulghum

Grief is a process, not a state. ~ Anne Grant

There is no grief like the grief that does not speak. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There is no grief like the grief that does not speak Click To Tweet

The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief… For a time I rest in the grace of the world and am free. ~ Wendell Berry

 

Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. Click To Tweet

 

Mar 242020
 

There are lots of two-word combos that pack an almost disproportionate amount of power. As a lover of language, I am intrigued by a number of possibilities.

  • Think big.
  • Stand up.
  • Time flies.
  • Heart health.
  • Forever love.
  • Take action.
  • Make memories.
  • Think different.
  • See success.
  • Finally bedtime.

These are all good examples of strong two-word phrases yet not one can come close to packing as much power as this one. Ready?

“I’m bored.”

(Of course to get the full impact try hearing them pronounced like this:  ‘I’m bo-ooo-r-ud.’ It is a sound that is particularly chilling for parents.)

It is a sound that is particularly chilling for parents. Click To Tweet

It may be unwise of me to raise questions about what it means to be bored: it’s not something I’ve often experienced. One of the reasons? I’m chronically curious. When I decided to revisit old blog posts about kids, parents and boredom, I tripped and fell into a rabbit hole. It’s name? “Reading about boredom.” And guess what? It was interesting. I wasn’t the least little bit bored.

To Study Boredom

Apparently the topic of boredom also appeals to social science researchers. As with many research topics, the initial struggle was with definitions. The articles I read described boredom as an emotional or psychological state that can arise when a person doesn’t have an especially engaging task or activity before them, is stuck in a “tedious time period,” or lacks interest in their surroundings.

I also learned the term “boredom proneness” and that there is a Boredom Proneness Scale. So, while many of us tend to minimize boredom as trivial, researchers have correlated it with depression and other significant life issues.

Additionally, researchers tell us there are three types of boredom:

  • circumstances are preventing us from doing something we want to do
  • we are obligated to do something we don’t want to do
  • there are factors that prevent us from being fully engaged in the task at hand

Ennui Among the Animals or Boredom at the Zoo

As I continued to think about the topic, I realized that animals get bored, too. Our dogs, ranging in age from a baby to a senior citizen, love to go to training. They love the five hour round trip. Nobody (except the human) gets to stay in for the entire class, but each dog gets enough mental stimulation to make for a very quiet, sleepy ride home.

Not to be outdone by engaged pet owners everywhere, the National Zoo now gives donors the opportunity to provide keepers with discretionary funds for added enrichment items ranging from food to toys and special scents for their charges.

I believe a high level of inborn curiosity vaccinated me against becoming boredom prone. To me, when that “meh” vibe starts to creep in, it’s a signal that my creativity needs slightly different time and space. It encourages me to check in with myself and my HALT: hungry, angry, lonely,tired.  It’s a nudge to try stuff.

Boredom is a nudge to try stuff. Click To Tweet

 

I guess that reaction is part of what makes me wonder why so many parents believe that boredom is bad for kids and  it’s their job to ‘fix’ it.  If  we respond like cruise ship activities directors on steroids what are we doing for the kids?  What do they take away from our behavior? What example are we setting?

Am I exaggerating? Just think about the number of times that, upon hearing this particular set of ‘magic words,’ you’ve seen parents leap into action. Like exhausted super heroes, they quickly shuffle through their repertoire of activities, snacks, electronic devices, and other entertainment to find the one special remedy that will most quickly put an end to the dreaded condition called boredom.

Unintended Messages

We all know that actions can undermine and contradict both words and good intentions. Attempts to alleviate another’s discomfort can be interpreted as thoughtful and kind and Boredom-Rescue behavior is no exception. All behavior can send powerful (and sometimes unintended) messages; intervening in our kids’ boredom could be interpreted as:

  • You deserve to be passively entertained
  • Your uncomfortable feelings are very important
  • Uncomfortable feelings should be avoided at all costs
  • Someone or something outside of you is responsible for fixing your feelings

And even if  those aren’t their take-away messages, how much thought have you given to what happens to your kids when you’re not around to entertain them? If we build our schedules and priorities around filling, enriching, and stimulating their every waking moment, how will the young ‘uns manage being in a group or in a classroom setting? Or alone?

Oddly enough, I started working on this post before Covid-19  hit our shores. As people gradually start to understand how such diseases spread, they are taking responsibility for their portion of herd immunity by self-quarantining. And, in the course of staying home, some of them are feeling bored. That might not be a bad thing.

Quiet Minds, Open Minds

I’m a huge fan of new ideas and experiences.  Novelty is great for brain health which, in turn, benefits us physically and emotionally. We live in an amazing time with no shortage of things to learn and do and think about and try.  And, given the opportunity, we will discover our passions and interests. Maybe there will be powerful new interests. But in the course of pursuing those opportunities, we will need to manage more than a few uncomfortable feelings along the way. So will our kids. But to seize those opportunities we will need to make sure our hearts and minds are quiet and open enough to recognize and seize those opportunities.

Mar 062020
 

Time for true confessions: even before I became a goofy grandma, laughing baby videos have been one of my guilty pleasures. That’s true even when I haven’t spent an entire day editing stuff.  (What did we ever do without YouTube?) When I feel like I’ve been chained to my desk all day, they give my attitude AND my energy a much-needed boost.

So, having rendered myself sleep-deprived, indulged in all the bad food choices, and created the ugly messes that are part and parcel of a very long editing session, I came across this. It may have helped keep me from tearing up a manuscript section or three.

This may have helped keep me from tearing up a manuscript section or three. Click To Tweet

 

You probably know that when humans converse and have some sort of rapport, they automatically start to mirror speech patterns and mannerisms. In fact, in training programs for sales people, advocates, and other interviewers who’d like to enhance client connections, participants are invited to notice and subtly mimic the mannerisms of the other person. I know language buffs who, when conversing with someone from another region, unconsciously pick up and start using a “foreign” accent. It’s a subtle form of enhanced connection, n’est-ce pas?

So what about laughter? And puppies? And babies? What’s the deal?

Language buffs may unconsciously pick up and start using a “foreign” accent. It’s a subtle form of enhanced connection, n‘est-ce pas? Click To Tweet

 

Not to ruin a guilty pleasure, but, as neurologists, neuro-psychiatrists, and biologists continue to explore and map various parts of the brain, the concept of contagious emotions becomes more intriguing. (You know I love brain biology, too, right?)

And while the research on mirror neurons has a long way to go, we’re all familiar with the concept of being known by the friends we keep. Overweight people tend to have more overweight friends than thin folks. Same for people who are feeling negative about their world. So are we attracted to those who are like us? Or are thoughts and feelings really contagious?

Look! I've finally achieved nerdvana ~ a laughing baby AND a dog! Click To Tweet

Gotta love those two-fers.

 

Babies pay close attention to voices, especially high-pitched ones. This fact leads many of us to become fluent in baby-talk. It’s a voice and speech pattern that animal trainers sometimes use, too. And, while the sense of hearing starts to function more or less from birth, it takes time for any mammal to make sense and meaning of sounds. In dogs (sorry, new parents) this can result in some adorable head tilts as they check out the source of strange sounds. And in humans? Check out this “silly baby” who is alternately horrified and delighted as he watches his Mom blow her nose.  His expressions are fantastic.

 

So what’s your online guilty pleasure? Pretending to make all the things on Pinterest? Twitter tantrums? Cat videos? Share your favorites in the comments so we can join you!

 

 

Feb 252020
 

A mud run. Who would want to do such a thing? Or, on a more personal note, what achey, arthritic, overweight oldish woman would consider something so foolish? After all, isn’t it dangerous? Doesn’t that mud get slippery? And what about the obstacles? Or broken bones?

Hard to believe that it has been only about two weeks since since I finished my first — and most likely last — 5K mud run. As I’ve said to several friends, there was actually a lot more walking and whining than running going on. Still, it was an event for which I signed up, suited up, and showed up. And, as often happens, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Sign up. Suit up. Show up. Click To Tweet

Before the Mud

Parts of last year were not especially kind to me. Surgeries, both planned and emergency, were helpful in some areas but set me quite far back in others. Despite hours of physical therapy, meditation, chiropractic care, yoga, and numerous other health-enhancing activities, I just couldn’t right. Then, the orthopedist uncovered a fairly serious but as yet untreated injury: that did quite a number on my head.

Of course there were joyful events, too: the arrival of a puppy named Brava was closely followed by the birth of a new baby grand boy. I’m clearly over the moon (and beyond) about the human baby. However, since I’ve promised his daddy I wouldn’t write about him here, you’re stuck with hearing about the puppy. I’m unwilling to sit on the sidelines of either of their lives and have a strong desire to do all the things that good grandmothers and decent dog handlers do, so pain management and improved health became a priority. That’s where the mud comes in.

A friend on the other side of the state posted about signing up for a Mud Girl Run. I was intrigued, followed some links and learned there would be one in Jacksonville — and that it conflicted with my island book festival responsibilities. So I contacted my friend in Tampa. She added two of us to her team.

Do all the things good grandmothers and decent dog handlers do... Click To Tweet

Clear as Mud

Lesson 1 ~ Ask yourself the right question. It’s not “can I…?” It’s “HOW can I…?”

With 5 months to prepare, I stepped up the pain management practices —  dropping some turning up the volume others. When exercising, I dug a little bit deeper to find that line between pushing and re-injuring myself. A few weeks before the race, my friend and travel partner dropped out of the event. Her decision gave me an out; instead I used it to strengthen my commitment to myself and move forward with adventure in the mud. Two days before the run, she decided to take the trip with me. And bring her stuff. On the way over, we committed to sticking together, going slowly if necessary, laughing at ourselves… and finishing. We were both as ready as we could be.

Lesson 2 ~ Sometimes good enough is good enough.

I don’t think mi amiga en Tampa would be offended if I described her as a kooky, busy, joyful genius — a mom with lively kids and a full time job. In our limited pre-race communication, she assured me that I’d fit in with the rest of the team and that the goal of the exercise was to have fun. And, by the way, there would be team T-shirts. And tutus. Clearly, most of our team members were more concerned with fun and fashion than finish times. Thank goodness.

Fun, Fashion, and Finish Times

We bought the damned tutus. I took a picture when it arrived — I’m still working on being comfortable in my new, larger sized body. And being fat-shamed on the internet is far from the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in life.

An uneventful drive across the state culminated in a reunion with my lovely Tampa friend. It took her about 45 seconds to fold my other friend into her family. My friends are like that. Once we got the schedule for the next day ironed out we decided to call in a night. 5:00 am comes early. With only hotel room coffee available, this is my 5:00 am face.

Lesson 3 ~ Always bring your own coffee pot.

The morning of the event (I still can’t bring myself to refer to it as a “race”) we connected with the rest of the team and were driven to the venue. Various women worried about different parts of the challenge but not one of us was truly prepared for the biggest potential foe of them all: the weather. Yes, we were all prepared for mud and moisture but the 39 degree temperature was a bit daunting. Hey   — at least it made us all anxious to get moving, right?

This is my 5am without coffee face. Click To Tweet

Lesson 4 ~ Silver linings are worth their weight in gold.

Celebrating Good Fortune

We stretched and bounced and paced while waiting for our start time. Soon enough we were underway. The course was located on a spectacular farm, winding on gentle grades through spacious pastures. Perfect blue sky. Sun. And the obstacles. Cargo nets and water hazards.

Lesson 5 ~Don’t sweat the small stuff. And it’s all small stuff.

Over and under, crawling and climbing, tripping and sliding. Women reaching forward and back to help one another stay upright and to keep track of our shoes. We laughed and shrieked and swore and growled. We were uninhibited and powerful. We crossed the finish line holding hands, passed our tutus on to an admiring group, and headed to the parking lot to towel off, put on something dry, and choose a place for breakfast.

Over pots of coffee, we celebrated our good fortune and gave thanks… for sisterhood and the power of crazy ideas.